CHANCES
I got up early this morning, had ta get out a there, have ta go shoot some ball, I just can’t stand it no more. I need some air before the rest of ‘em get up. This dumb apartment is too crowded. Sugar and Candel singin’ loud with the tape player blastin’ and their heads bobbin’; Johnathon playin’ by himself, crashing blocks inta each a the rooms, Nealy poppin’ us on our heads, flickin’ us with her fingers, jumpin’ and laughin’, boxes everywhere, some still packed, some ripped open again. Man! We was supposed ta move eight months ago. Things always go wrong in this family. I don’t think we ever gonna get straightened out. I told Daddy I was goin’ for a walk. I’m really shocked he let me go.
“Yea”, he said, “go on,”. He didn’t have his pajamas on. His clothes all wrinkled like he slept in ‘em. I guess he had other things on his mind.
Ma didn’t come home last night. This makes the third day. I knew this would happen. Something was wrong. She always seemed tired of everyone, tired of us, of work, of this roachy apartment. This place have so many roaches that the people that live here call it the “roach motel”. I never saw so many roaches in my life. When I was a kid, me and Sugar, we used to play with roaches. We would trap them in her doll dishes and watch them try ta figure out how ta get out, but most of the time, they would die from lack of oxygen. But this was different. Everywhere, on the walls, on the floors, on the dishes, on your clothes, even in the food. One time Johnathon woke up screaming. He said he thought he couldn’t breathe, but when he got up it was a big roach had crawled up his nose. The rest of us didn’t sleep so good that night neither. We kept getting up checking for roaches in our beds.
That’s when Ma stopped cooking. She said it was too nasty with all those roaches around. She just ate out or didn’t eat. So my little sister Nealy cooked for the family. Nealy did all the cooking; at least most of it. She looks so funny standing over that stove with those big smiley face barrettes in her hair. She’s only ten years old, but she really cooks good-not no little cooking either. I mean good food, like fried chicken, potato salad and corn bread. I think she cooks better than Ma did. I won’t let her know I think so. She’ll never stop talking about it- praising herself. She wasn’t always like that, but lately she’s been little “miss know it all”. Ma use ta say she saves her life. She thinks she know everything and she can’t wait ta tell it all. It was Nealy who told us that Ma didn’t come home the first time. I didn’t see Ma in the morning that day, like I usually do, but I just thought she left early for work, but Nealy said when she got up ta go ta the bathroom, she wanted ta say good night ta Ma again; she’s always doing babyish things like that, but she couldn’t find her.
It must have been three o’clock in the morning. She heard Daddy praying for Ma that God help her ta hurry up and find her way back home. Nealy thought Ma was lost. I knew something was happening though all along. It was as if Ma wasn’t part of us anymore. She was always in the bed when she was home and I felt bad like it was my fault or somethin’. I asked her ta quit workin’ once, but she just said she wished she could. We would all go inta her room and sit on the bed and talk ta her, but before you know it, everybody would start fightin’ and stuff.
“Leave Mommy alone",Daddy would holler out. Daddy’s different. He just keeps right on doin’ what he always do no matter what. Nothin’ seemed ta bother him. After Ma stopped cooking he would make sure the oatmeal was ready for breakfast. Every mornin’. I hate oatmeal! He would get after us about our homework and he would spray for roaches. Ma use ta get angry; say there was no reason ta spray for roaches because we couldn’t find ‘em all, once they was hidin’. It was a waste of time and money.
They never really argued, Ma and Daddy, but every now and then, we would hear them havin’ a serious discussion. The kind that told you, you better not get in the middle of it, quick, and then it would be over and quiet. The quiet was always the worst part. It was thick and heavy like the oatmeal. It made your ears hurt. If there wasn’t so many of us- maybe-. Why did she have so many kids? I think they didn’t mean to. I heard them talkin’ one day. They said three was mistakes. Was I one? No. I was the first one so I couldn’t be a mistake.
Boy it’s cold out here this morning. Don’t feel much like summer; feels more like September or somethin’. And nobody’s out here. It must be real early. Even the court is empty. Awright! Just like I like it. Nobody’s out here but me. The ball even echoes. This is my chance.
“And he goes up! Man! Slam dunk! And the crowd is wild. Joshua Stone has done it again. Ladies and gentlemen watch out for that man, he’s goin’ places.”
“Hey, let me shoot some,”
I hear somebody say behind me. It’s a sticky little chubby face boy. He’s finishin’ off a orange soda and his hands stick ta his blue tee shirt every time he tries ta wipe ‘em off. Man I can’t seem ta get away from kids at all, they follow me. I must have a flashin’ sign on my head or somethin’. Besides, I really don’t want that boy’s sticky hands all over my ball.
“Naw Man,” I say backing away, “I got ta go. My mother needs me for somethin’. I got ta go”.
He just stand there starin’ at me like he didn’t believe me or somethin’. And couldn’t my mother need me for somethin’? I don’t know where my mother’s at, but she probably don’t need me or any of us now. She’s probably livin’ it up somewhere, probably havin’ a good time. But then again, probably not though. She never had a good time. Always sittin’ by herself where ever we went. Daddy would get mad at her when she did that. He liked lots of people around him; always wanted ta spend the day at someone else’s house. But Ma liked ta read. She had more books. Man! She wanted ta be an artist or somethin’. She could never find time ta concentrate.
By the time I get back home everybody is awake and it’s already noisy. Nealy is in the kitchen cookin’ breakfast and so is Johnathon and Candel all fightin’ over that same small space. So I go right in there ta control things. The last thing Daddy needs is us fightin’. He didn’t expect Ma ta be gone three days!
“Hey yaw’ll why are all of yaw’ll crammed in that kitchen?”
“Oh shut up Joshua,” Nealy says first.
“Yea Joshua, You can’t boss us around,” Candel adds as she scrapes the mutilated eggs on her plate.
“Look look!” I holler louder. “You don’t have enough room for all of yaw’ll. Why don’t just one of yaw’ll cook?”
“No. I want to cook my own breakfast.”
“Nobody ask you anyway.”
They talk all over me and I want ta drive my fist in all of their mouths and shut them up.
“Just go ahead and disobey me. Yaw’ll don’t even listen.” I’m walkin’ out of the kitchen now and I hear a little knock at the door.
“Disobey him! Disobey him! Oh boy!” Candel is saying’.
“I know, “ Sugar continues her sass.
“I can’t hear who it is yaw’ll be quiet!” It gets quiet. I ask, “Who is it?”
“It’s probably Rico, one of Johnathon’s friends,” Nealy burst out.
"Yeah", I say.
Their friends always come over early in the mornin’ like there’s nobody else in the world ta play with. So I just yank open the door.
“What I tell you about you just opening the door without asking who it is first, boy! Is this what you been doing since I’ve been gone?”
My mother is standin’ there with two small suitcases at her feet and a little bag in her hand. I didn’t even know she took anythin’ with her or anythin’ was missin’ in her closet. I should pay more attention.
“Ma!”
I yell and hug her neck so hard I choke myself on her perfume. Her Jeri curls tickle my nose, her tweedy jacket scratch my cheeks but I don’t care. I’m so glad ta see her. The rest of ‘em comes runnin’ and talkin’ and gigglin’ all at once.
“Mommy where you been?"
"You went on vacation?"
"Who you went with?"
"You went by yourself?"
"Mommy you took a long time.”
Then Daddy comes out of his room, slowly, peekin’ like he’s afraid what he might see or somethin’. And Mommy spots him.
“Hi Joe.” she whispers in between all the kids’ questions.
Daddy comes closer with more confidence now. He don’t say anythin’ but he just touches her a lot as if his hands was eyes doin’ the talkin’; her nose, her lips; like a blind man touchin’ all over her face. Then he cries. My Dad cries! Man! I don’t believe it. I never saw Daddy cry before. I knew somethin’ was up then. Everythin’ gets quiet. The kids stop asking all those stupid questions and Ma takes Daddy’s head in her arms and kiss him all over his face.
“I thought I lost you,” I hear Daddy say in between his tears.
“Shh,” Ma stops him and whispers somethin’ in his ear.
Then they both leave the room.
All us kids get together like we a team.
“What happened?” Candel whispers.
“Why was Daddy cryin’?
“Yea, why was Daddy cryin’?” Sugar adds. “You think they had a fight?”
“Ah Sugar, Mommy and Daddy don’t fight,” Nealy says.
“How you know?”
“Cause I know that’s how.’
“He was probably just glad ta see Mommy”, I put in.
“Daddy sure looks funny when he cries, Johnathon says.
“Shut up Johnathon”, everybody says at the same time.
Poor Johnathon, I guess that’s why he don’t say much. The kitchen is all messed up as usual and I’m afraid Mommy will leave again if she notices it. “Hey yaw’ll let’s clean up for Mommy. Let’s surprise her.” They all agree.
Ma and Daddy stay in their room for a long time, and I wonder what they’re doin’ in there. Are they talkin’ or did they start somethin’ else. I saw them doin’ it one time in the livin’ room. The light from the T.V. made the room look like the movies; all dark and dusty. Shadows bouncin’ all around the walls. It was like Ma and Daddy was part of the picture, swirlin’ around on the pull out couch. It was real late at night, but I was awake. I had ta go ta the bathroom. It sounded like Ma was cryin’ so I went ta check it out. That’s when I saw ‘em. They didn’t know I was standin’ there watchin’ the whole thing, or I’m sure they would’ve hurried up under the covers and pretend that nothin’ was happenin’ like I seen ‘em do before. Oh I know about sex, Ma told me. So that wasn’t no surprise. But nobody ever told me that the lady could be on top. Man! I bet the guys in school don’t know that either.
By the time Daddy comes outta the room, dinner is already and the kitchen is spotless.“Somethin’ smells good out here.” He sounds new like a car battery after a jump start.
The table is old and oval shaped. It could seat four people around it. We add two other chairs from the livin’ room for Johnathon and me. Candel arranged everything on the table so it looks like we’re having Thanksgiving. I feel good about it. I want everything ta be just right. I didn’t like not having’ a mother around. I didn’t want her ta leave again.
“Isn’t it nice ta have Mommy back home?” Daddy is beamin’.
I even think I see his eyes twinkle like Santa Claus eyes do on Christmas, although I haven’t seen Santa’s eyes personally.
“Yea!” Everybody says and the questions start again.
I could tell Ma didn’t want ta talk about where she went and what she did. She just keeps smilin’ like she’s a visitor; giving us quick looks, not lookin’ at anybody for real. I think Daddy picks up on it too. He tells the kids it’s enough that she’s home; that’s what’s important.
Mommy lightens up the atmosphere and asks the girls who did their hair while she was gone.
“Nobody? It looks pretty good for nobody, whoever that is, to braid your hair so nice looking.”
I know she’s tryin’ ta make things light because Candel’s and Nealy’s hair looks bad. You could tell a kid tried to braid it. She isn’t really happy. I could tell, underneath, Ma is still sad; and I wish I could do somethin’ ta change that. Man! How come nobody else see how sad she is?
Later that night after we cleaned up the kitchen and all of us fell asleep lookin’at T.V., I wake up. I see Ma in the kitchen. She doesn’t know I’m awake and lookin’ at her. I guess she couldn’t sleep. She’s warmin’ up a glass of milk in the microwave. She did that sometimes when she couldn’t sleep. She reaches inta her pocket and pulls out this small bottle of pills. I guessed they are aspirins. She never took any other kinds of medicine, I don’t think. Anyway, she holds on ta that bottle so tight and keeps lookin’ at it like she’s tryin’ ta read the directions on the label and they were printed too small. Then she starts cryin’, cryin’ over that bottle. I jump up. I let her know I’m awake.
“Ma, you got a headache?”
I guess I scare her. She jumps and hurries up and wipes her face with her hands and she shoves the bottle of pills back inta her pocket.
“No baby”, she says. “I just need some help goin’ ta sleep.;
“Why you cryin’?
“I don’t know”, she put her arms around my shoulders.
“Sometimes it’s good ta cry; gets rid of the excess emotion. Helps you do what you really need to do.
She kisses me on the forehead. “You know I really love all of you so much. Don’t you ever forget that. You hear me?”
And then I take a chance and ask her. “Are you sure you’re happy ta be back with us?”
“Of course I am. I just told you I love you all.”
“Right.”
"Now are you ever going back to bed?” She smiles.
“Yea,” I say. “Good night.”
This time I can’t sleep. I’m Hulk Hogan defeatin’ my pillow and I’m exhausted. I get up again and walk around peekin’ in everybody’s room. I wonder if Ma is able ta sleep. I peek inta my parents’ bedroom. Ma is knocked out on the recliner chair next ta the bed. Man! That warm milk must a worked. She didn’t even make it to the bed.
I know the rest of ‘em will be making noise about me finishing off the milk and they won’t have none for their cereal in the morning. It’s not enough for all of ‘em anyway. I empty the container and score two points when it juggle inta the trash can. It’s a good shot too. It goes right in with so much power, it forces some other garbage back out ta make room for itself. I see that medicine bottle pop straight up in the air and land right back inta the trash can.
“A double play,” I yell in a whisper. “That was smooth.”
I feel real good about myself and my milk is ready. That warm milk really works. I’m sleeping like a baby until I hear my Daddy scream out my mother’s name.
